It's Complete.

I had a great week off  and realized that it was easy to want to train when I was off and having time for all the things I haven't had time for this year, but I really don't want to spend my summer training.  There may be an Ironman in my future but it's not in six weeks.  I thought my head would be back in the game, but I'm done with Ironman for this year.  I'm excited to get on with things, creative endeavors, hiking, adventure, friends, being a good aunt and sister and friend, the spontaneity that defines me.  It's sad, but I think that's just left over Coeur d'Alene sad and the tears of a stubborn ego.

 Thanks everyone for tons of support.  It’s been a great year,  so many hours training, quite the journey.  I’m glad I did it. 

Flash Mob!

 My Week
-There was a dance flash mob at the Farmer's Market yesterday! Also lots of sugar snap pees... it was sort of like this:

-Snakes are out and slithering in the grass when I work in my garden
-Something died under the barn and I can't figure out where...(might be the neighbor's cat...)
-Tomorrow is work on the Silver Streak Trailer Day!
-I got my hand stuck between this flour bin and metal table at work.  Stuck.  Squished in so I couldn't get it out or move it.  Like when I got my hand stuck in the car door when I was little on the ferry boat, only I was calmer.  SO I hunkered down in my little cranny for a but and tried to decide whether to chew my hand off or cut it off a la Aron Ralston when I was spotted, I said "I'm stuck" in a weirdly calm voice, "can you lift the table?" and they did, and I still have both hands, but one finger won't clench all the way.  So that was exciting.
-Bees will arrive any day, the hive is set!
-Chickens Sunday?
-I talked to some really nice folks about training and my head.  Learned a lot.  Major Processing. Heavy doody. I'm feeling better about Ironman just being a race and a powerful tool for me to learn with.
- Not that processing one's deep driving desires and having "we need to talk" dates every night with one's ego is ANY excuse...but... I accidentally started watching Glee... It's like an itchy rash I hope clears up soon.

Thanks Anna

I like these:

 

There are more from the great Irina Werning

Choose it right

I signed up for Canada the same day I didn't finish Coeur d'Alene.  It was a brash, emotional decision coming from a place of embarrassment, disappointment, sadness, and regret.  If those were my motivations for doing this race than training is going to suck and I don't want to spend my summer doing it. 
 So, I just put away all my tri stuff.  I'm taking a week off.  Running if I want to, doing projects, resting my tired mind and heart, doing the self love and coming back into me, coming into a good decision making place.  After a week, I'll decide if I want to do Ironman Canada.

Shit or get off the pot

I went for my run yesterday, hated it, came home and cried.

I am super resentful of training right now and what's the point of spending 20 hours a week voluntarily doing something you hate.

I need to:
a) Get my head back into a space where training for Ironman is an exciting, healthful, therapeutic adventure that makes me feel good

or

b) Stop training, not do Canada and spend my free time doing things I love like spending time with friends, family, creative projects, fun exercise, and summertime.

It's clearly all in my head.  If I think about a 6 hour bike ride today for training, my body cringes and I immediately think of 9,000 better things to do. If I think of going for a solo bike adventure for fun, I'd do it. 

So I went today and talked to a guy from tri club who works a lot with mental training. 
I'm going deep.
Stay tuned.

Highlights

Fresh kale smoothies from the garden
Saying hey to people I know coming into the bakery

Sleeping in the trailer and waking up to birds
Trying to learn butterfly at Masters swim and laughing my nuts off
Visitors galore and eating out on the deck
Sunrise on the mountain
Biking in the sun
Running from the lake
Animals EVERYWHERE!
Translating spanish at the post office
Laughing at work
Being happy that I am the one at home so excited for main man's return. 
It's summer!

Mind Ironing

I went to Hood River Tri Club on Tuesday night.  People were SO nice! I had met a bunch of them at a party at my coach's house on the 4th so they all knew I was The Girl Who Didn't Finish The Swim.  It was a treat to see them all again. 

The course was an open water swim, 7 mile bike, and 2 or 3 mile run or something.  Then a beer.  I'll do it every week until Canada.

 Getting back in the water with a group of people in wetsuits wasn't fun.  I swam 2/3 of the swim course.  It's this weird panic like I can't breathe, or am not moving, or something.  So weird.  Not a problem in the pool and never been a problem in open water before Ironman. 

After the workout, when we were all hanging, chatting, and laughing, a man came up to me, he asked me how it was going, and I smiled  and said "good," he smiled and said "Really? How was that swim?"... fuck.

I told him it wasn't fun, but that I'd just keep banging my head against it until it got fun. He just looked at me.   I'd met him at Mondays party and he basically, very nicely, called was calling me out on my shit.  He  basically said that though I was physically trained for Ironman, my mental game was a mess.

True.

It makes sense.  One signs on for these things for lots of reasons, for me there were lots of reasons as well:  Adventure, a big goal, to see what I'm capable of, to celebrate my life... then there's all the "because I have something to prove" reasons.  The latter reasons are deep and rooty and probably worth some pondering and making peace with.   It totally makes sense that one goes into all this with all their weird stuff about being good enough, and if you don't sort all that out before hand it's not like it's going to get clearer in the freezing water with 2500 other freaks.

It think I have some deep wormy hiccup in my mind, and I have to iron it out. 

In addition to mind work, it's back to training.  I got acupuncture and massage on my whackidy shoulder last night and am all over figuring out the work/train/sleep/eat/shower/water garden/summertime balance.